everything

last night i sat down, determined and strong.
because i trust in something Bigger than this. and i believe that

today i sat down and for some reason, just scrolled thru the old msgs and tweets..
they made me smile so much. something ive not done for so long.. and hurt so much as well.



25th November 2008. the night i decided to add this random girl online because i thought her email was nuts. i mean, come on.. "XD" in a mail address? you had to be kidding. but you werent.

i remembered our late night talks. way into the night. super dead the next morning. all the video calls we made from then on. it was worth every second.

i remember the day i made you mad and you stood at the gate. that day, i realised how much you scare me.

the day your mom gave the voucher for dinner in shangri la was probably the first day i was stunned at your mom kuz she was so nice to this stranger. and man, that was a stunner. i remember never understanding why you liked your high heels because they hurt you so much.. but they always made you look good.

i remember the IU day.. and the gigs that followed.. IBA unplugged.. back before, i just used to do it for God and for the crowd.. it felt so different having someone to sing for in the crowd for once.

i remember the night you got sick and i was gonna ask you.. but i had to take you home to sponge your head. i remember you lying down there and me just looking and thinking to myself.. ive never felt like this ever. i would have stayed the whole night to take care of you if i could..


all the msgs we sent when u were still in school.. how much u hated class, how much u slept in class, how much you wish you never had to go to class anymore, how much you disagreed with school altogether..

 i remember all the times you smiled because i was able to pick u up from school today. it was a stretch but i made time and ur smile made it worth it kuz having lunch with you always brightened up my day. i guess my time for that just ran out.


i sat up one night finishing up the song i wrote kuz i couldnt do anything else.. architecture weighed me down so much but i had to do something. i remember finishing the video and going to sleep so contented..

i remember how much a good team we made. when everyone else crumbled, we stood.


i remember the day u made me join twitter. you were the first follower and followee. followee. is that even a word?



all the times u struggled to study and to just sit down. and how grumpy you always got and gave me the look and grumbled. i remember just sitting there til you calmed down again.. after a few pages of chemistry. and then we just sat in front of the tv and wasted the day away. heck, teaching you chem was impossible. probably still would be.


i remember mr ariff and the nights i came over to do my homework during your tuition kuz we didnt have any other time to spend with each other during the day. man, mr ariff was good stuff.


i remember the steamboat party and the bbq party.. never helped out so much before. i remember playing the wii at the end of it and loving all your friends.


jouyin came back once in a while and she was the awesom-est best friend ive ever hung out with. jasema and raisin and moosa and naan kismis. thats how our afternoons were coloured. and your hand was always on my lap during the drives back and forth.


i remember how happy it was when it was just you and me.. and how nothing else mattered when we just drove around in my car. well, our car as you put it. all over kl, the neighbourhood.. uptown.. anywhere and everywhere. it wouldnt matter. the safety belts were our battle


i remember your crazy days at the gym. man, you were one gym junkie. and i was glad at least one of us had the motivation to do something about our health. i remember freaking out over the pictures and feeling so stupid after that kuz i was always so scared of your anger.

i remember the days you sat for your spm. and how much i prayed, and having you msg at the end of the paper saying it was good and went well gave me sighs of relief.

i remember giving you the dragonfly after saving for so long.. i never felt anything like that giving someone a present.. you made it so worth it. i remember not remembering that there was a big "thomas sabo" all across the bag. man that really spoiled the "surprise".. not that it was much of one kuz u recognized the bag

i remember passing the unofficial one year mark.. and how much we looked at each other and gave that telepathic "we did it" look and smiled..

i remember the slow dance with the music playing.. and how glad i was in my heart that the words of the song was something i could finally live out. that i finally was able to have something like this.. i remember the look in your eyes. your insane vampire hair. your white dress. and i couldnt be more proud to have this girl dancing with me.



i remember the hustle starting before you left for london. and missing you so much when you were gone. but i got by. being free for a bit really was cool. but i never forgot how much you meant to me. no matter what happened at the end of the year, no matter who i met.. i wore you on my sleeve because that's how much you meant to me. i remember how shocked i was kuz i just had a split second to say bye to you kuz i was apparently supposed to just drop you off and your family went right into the terminal.


i remember you coming home and unloading all your sweets and souvenirs. man, that was a crazy mess.


i remember you starting college and stressing over subjects. and getting so worried kuz u didnt know anyone in your class. combing thru namelists and saying no, no, no yess no no no..

i remember showing you around the place.. the juice shop. the eating places.


i remember your hug so tight.. and your tears and boogers. and i remember just wiping them off because it was okay. i could handle it... i didnt care about how fat you thought you were, or your non-existant flabs.. your tears or snot.. your disgusting-ness.. anything you thought you were that was bad.. i just remember you were the most beautiful thing in the world to me.



i remember the blur starting.. and your smile without your braces.. and the next few weeks.. i dont
















i remember meeting you for the first time in the akarkarya studio.. and thinking to myself.. this could really be something..




and that.. is how the story shall stay for me..






i probably sound like some corny mushy nonsense-filled drunkard who's over exaggerating a story. but with every fibre of my soul, this is the story that happened for me with a girl that i know.


if you're reading this, i hope you know that this is how you're gonna stay for me. golden. with a dash of red

everytime a dragonfly flies past me. i think of you.


remember me telling you, i never understood why the bad guys get so many chances and have so much hope that they'd change. i guess i'll never understand why.


i guess this post wont do much. i guess what i remember couldnt stand up to these past two months.

but i pray for you every day. for you to have peace, and whatever the reason for this happening is. i know your anger like ive known you. and i pray that you overthrow it.


i might not be much or new anymore.. everything settles down after the dust kicks up in the beginning. but what i have is true.






so hi stranger, how are you today? remember me? im hoping you would.. i was in your heart once before.



and you're always in mine.


and i'm always yours.


ming